the one thing

iamperoxide more like iamabrokenrecord because i just say the same things over and over again. how can i not? i am largely miserable. and when you’re doing as bad as i am you really want to talk about it as much as possible because if you don’t you die. at least that’s my case. one thing about me is that my life entirely depends on other peoples niceness and mercy. that validation is always being sought out. i am so helpless and so small and lost and you must help me. right? one can only wish.

another thing about me is that i'm always paying attention. you’d think people who have good, nice things would deserve them. this is mostly untrue. they all have what i want, and they don’t deserve it because they’re not good people and they don’t take advantage of their situation. and they definitely don’t realize any of it. but if it was me i would know exactly how to act. 

there’s only so much a person can take and i feel the tipping point approaching. i just don’t know what happens. maybe nothing. it’s not drama; it is fact. the tiredness gets to me. so does the 4 floor walkup. so does the dishes in the sink only i clean. so does all the work i haven’t done. so does the fear of lifelong debt. so does the mold. so does the search. the constant ever long search. maybe i did stop waiting; instead i’m searching. for something better… if it’s even possible to achieve. the other day i was explaining my situation to someone and they asked if i had problems with addiction… i laughed because do i really look that bad…