Vent-ish Post

Warning: Self harm is mentioned!

I’m scared that I might be attractive to males only and not women. 

For all of my life I have never considered being “straight” as I never thought about it (I didn’t even think about whether I was apart of the lgbtq+ community when I was like 8-11)

 I just assumed because I didn’t felt feelings for a man yet, meant I was only attracted to women. 

Now I am having feelings for one and my complete attraction to the same sex is gone and been gone for about most of the year and probably even longer now that I think about it. 

It scares me because I don’t know how any of my irl friends would take the information and I’m still in the process of figuring out what gender my brain assigned me. 

My brain been telling me that I feel wrong in a female body and that I should punish myself for it with cutting myself. 

Wearing makeup makes me feel like a fucking clown (not the good kind) and fake. When I wear boxers and have on some male body spray it makes me feel safe and right in my body.

I can’t sit like a woman and I’m sluggish like a man, for fucking sake I wouldn’t have the thought of taking off my shirt alone anymore if I was allowed to take it completely off, but noooo the stupid fucking chest needs covering. 

I look wrong and weird, I’m force to act a certain way because of what I was born as and I hate it I wish I could just get the things to change my body and the way how the state sees me.