there's this boy

i'm a lesbian and i'm in my post first wlw break up era. i'm like over it now at this point but this guy has been testing my nerves. tbh i questioned myself a lot about whether i liked him but i just realised that i liked the validation i'd get if i was with him compared to a girl. dont get me wrong, if he was a girl, i'd smash. he is so my type like unconventional beauty, deep voice, smart and caring but the only problem is that he is a man. deep inside i know that i can't see myself with a man or even him but idk i just want the external validation and also his validation so bad. we even had some shit go on for which we dont even talk aaah.