watched movie, what to do next

last night, i watched the end of evangelion with a friend. now that's a pretty good movie ! in fact, pretty great ! i first watched it, maybe around 2018 or 2019, over what i believe was a summer back home. I laid in bed, head against the pillow against the wall, and on my loud laptop at the time sat and watched every episode of the tv show and the film within a 3-day period, from the hours of 11:00 to around 2:00 every night. i loved it. it had issues, in my opinion, such as pacing (which i understand is intentional but let's be real, do we really need every single one of those early episodes?), repetition, and some dialogue choices that are maybe so lacking of nuance and tact that they sound like a 1st grader's book on battling depression. however, these turn around to be effective by the time the movie comes on, with characters that are nuanced and rich with depth. why are they rich? well, i think it does come down to the basic dialogue that isn't so much philosophically deep in its own right, or generating revelations, but this dialogue is rather reflective to the viewer. these are simple adages a lot of the time, yet they resonate deep because the show and movie take time to invest us into the mental states of the characters and directly, through a catch-all approach, hit us at one point or another with a statement that cuts deep to the individual. not all people will be impacted by "living with pain is better than being dead" or "your decision needs to be yours" lines, but someone will, and once one thing hits them, their ears open to everything, and that individual reflects. i think this movie and this show tackle one of the most important and plaguing problems of modern society, and it does so in an effective way that, instead of scolding or outright prescribing, urges the viewer to live for themselves and live for others, because he have the capabilities, and it allows them to think about others, think about how the individual interacts and hopefully brings people closer to self-awareness and actualizing. i believe this is a story of human triumph, because amidst all things out of our control, we do have control over ourselves, and we need the love of others and the love of ourselves to continue moving forward. in our everyday struggle to be happy, we just need to keep fighting, because things do not stay the same forever. when i watched this in 2018/2019, a massive wave of what i think i would call depression began to hit. and until today, my memory is blurry. but, i can see over the crest of the wave now, and ill ride it out, and ill try my best, and ill carry on, through sadness, anger, depression, pain, until i reach love for myself. still a ways to go, but after 6 years of this nonsense, my body is ready to puke it up. and the evil has run its course. im ready to move on now.

the animation slapped too, that movie looks so good !

other than that, i think ill need to work a bit harder from here on out, focusing is going to be a hard thing, but i want to get some of these stories done ive been thinking and ruminating on. i want to experiment more, and i want to paint in the near future! painting would be fun. im just going to try some things in the next few months that i think will be fun, and im excited for all that. but man, not having a job sux. it's worrisome, but im hopeful that i can integrate more into culture and be less of a closed-off person. i quite literally need to if im ever gonna get anywhere. my first goal, besides doing animation, is to go somewhere, meet up with people, something like that. i just need to figure out a group that i can reach out to if i need questions. right now im on an island. balancing all the things i want to do and need to is harrrd. id love to learn more into chinese, but thats backburner stuff. i really just need to start getting neck deep into groups that im into, start following people, reaching out, etc. as for job stuff, my search continues. im going to try and create maybe an animation or two before submitting to internship things. i think thatd be best, my old is borderline un-showable haha.

i think ive written enough, everything will be fine, keep going, dont give up, im counting on you :)