didn't know what to write about but felt like i should have something since i made this account today. i watched a couple of movies today. worked on some animation stuff. job hunting. same old same old. the vicious cycle. i figured maybe someone would be interested in how ive been feeling, maybe someone could relate or something, so ill start with that :
im doin okay. definitely could always doing better, but often ive been more positive than negative. in the last few years the declining line that was my happiness has prevented me from doing many things, and everything during this period has seemed like a smudged memory, very abstract, very monet for the painter-types in the crowd. but yeah, don't wanna dwell on it too much. that chunk is long gone, and now, recently, ive felt more focused and been more aware. so, no real complaints, and in fact in this moment sharing this i feel at ease. so yeah !
in fact, ive realized over the years that staying focused on things is truly, for me, the only way to deal with and fight through depressive urges. right now, im actively working on an animation. i have ideas flowing, im brainstorming, im constantly trying to do things to further my knowledge. these are things i wasnt doing as well before, and ive hit constant brick walls in terms of creativity and general awareness in the past. but, i dont really quite know what happened, once i started legitimately attempting to be interested in things again, ive been doing better and feeling productive.
productivity, i believe, is one of my core guides. among a few others, being productive seems very simple in theory but it's hard to synthesize ! "just get up and do the thing" the old phrase that bursts through my ears every morning when i wake up and every night going to bed. "get it done" there are people out there that have little empathy and patience for those that arent constantly moving, and this might be a product of a faster world and values and whatnot, politics capitalism etc etc etc, but i dunno. i see myself and others, most people, as being productive when it benefits them. you would never be productive for someone else (unless forced but thats a wholeee different thing). productivity is a very individualistic thing, one that sort of creates our narratives, our trials, our struggles. finding the story you want yourself to journey on is what everything's all about. we want to design our destinies, carve our paths, chase our dreams, all that stuff. but what i think it all comes from is the desire that most everyone has to be a character that grows.
of course, though, there are people that work jobs day in day out, arriving at the time clock precisely when work starts, and they static their way through the day every day 5 days a week, sometimes 7 days a week. are these people not driven by productivity? not in the way i am, but that's why our paths diverge and have different meanings. everyone has a completely separate path. many that do the static work life are driven by money so they can be happy at home, and even when they're being productive for their children, if they had any, they're still fulfilling their own desire to be productive for their children. if one has a child, that child is not what drives your productivity. what drives you is the desire to create the dream scenario for that child so that they can be happy in your vision. that's kinda what i mean by what i said above about productivity.
as i wind down ill say that, whether this is actually posted or not publicly, these are not necessarily thoughts that i hold much conviction for. it's just a way to keep me goin. i typically dont hold much conviction. some would probably count that as a flaw against me, but hey, ill figure it out.
okay, im tired, probably gonna play a bit of a game or watch a vid or two, i dunno, but good night
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