screw it

ive tried to make my love for you gentle, soft, caring, easy to digest.

ive cut down things ive wanted to say, threats to other people, my disgusting form of love.

but the truth is

i want to breathe in your blood, i want to crawl into your skin, to cradle your heart in my hands, to feel every movement of yours. I want to admire you, i want to revolve my life around you, i want you to be mine, and only mine to see.

i want everyone i talk to, to know about you. I want to worship you. I dont care how unhealthy it is. And God, it hurts so badly seeing you get along with someone who tried to get with me before, and pushed it after my age, but its okay, i rejected. it was just strange. But i wont tell you that, because as jealous as i am that you love her more than me, its good to see you happy. 

i want you happy.

even if id prefer you happy with me, i guess seeing you do things you promised to do with me, with her, is fine too.

but you wont get rid of me yknow. 

"yea, i saw what you and he had, and i wanted it", vile words that made me shake and shiver, and realize..

she wants me gone.

she wants me away from you.

i dont feel right about her. i know somethings up with her.

but i also dont want to fight it, because i think you want me gone too.

and i dont want to be the fool fighting to stay in your life, when in secret you go off and laugh to her about the dumb girl i am who thinks she means anything to you.

so i dont know.

but ill always love you, even if you hate me.

it just. really fucking hurts. seeing this, and knowing what i feel, knowing how you love her, and knowing how you hate me.

it just hurts so badly i wish

i wish i could die

you dont believe anything i say, but you believe her. what does she have that i dont? did you finally get bored of me? do you think im stupid? that im dumb?

i dont understand. and you keep ramming it into my head that i dont understand. 

i want to rest.