titled over 3/13/2024

location: ej counch

blocked d last night. it's funny we can't make it past a month. i guess it doesn't matter who's fault it is. i don't see it changing unless he changed and he doesn't seem to have any interest in changing. i think i've been stuck on that for a while thinking maybe if i said more, he could recognize and change. but i'm tired of prolonging the inevitable. i think it was a good decision to block. i cant keep reaching out. i hate the game of how long should i take to respond and then how long is he taking to respond. it gets us really nowhere. just a sliver of anxiety always in the back of my head. at least i feel more in control about it now. i don't know why i thought i couldn't leave him. i can do anything i want to do. i should stop letting my mindset limit me. bought addy from a on monday. i feel better on the medication already although i don't like the crashes at all. vyvanse was smoother and so i'll probably ask more about that. should make an appointment for next week. figured out c's life today. i hope she sticks to it. i hope i don't reach out again. i hope i get my grades better. i hope i start eating better. i hope things get okay and stay there. i wonder if i'll meet someone new. i haven't had a crush in so long i forgot how it felt. i think itll be exciting to feel like that again. i can't think of anything romantic without thinking about d though. but i guess that will pass with the rest. our good memories are still there but if you focus on one aspect of anything rather than the full picture, you lose details. i liked d and there were moments where i thought he liked me too but that doesn't outweigh all the moments where i thought he didn't like me. i stopped liking him awhile ago, i know that at least. i can't believe there was a time where i focused on how i felt with him rather than trying to contol how he felt about me. i miss that. it's funny how the problems all just go back to control. it's what i live for, i suppose. i'm learning how to control myself though. slowly and surely. who the fuck is shirley. i wonder if i'll go to pilates later. i guess i could. i have time and it could be fun. thoughts and thoughts. a person who thinks all the time has nothing to think except thoughts. that line is funny but its true though i guess. i spent so much time focusing on what i thought rather than the actions of those around me. i'm yapping now. i guess i'll do my nails and watch cyberpunk. maybe. i dont know if i wanna do that during the day. here are my options of things i can do. wash my hair, maybe. go to pilates, maybe. watch show with j. maybe. i'm not sure what i want to do. i guess i wanna just simmer. i don't wanna simmer for too long though. simmering gets boring. idk ill figure it out.