I'm in the middle

There's a place in between the mania and despair. It's a place where you're almost out of breath, sinking in the sea. It's a sinking, choking feeling, that makes tears well in my eyes from how bitter it is. And it's incredible.

I want to get better but I don't want to get better. I want to stop these terrible thoughts but there's so much comfort in my sadness. I'm ruining my future for a depressing substitute of an emotion. And as much as I want to care, I just don't care for anything anymore. I can't bring myself to care about my future, not even a little bit.

I'm not of any use here. I can't achieve anything I want to.