10/03/20XX - Love bigger than me

 today sucked. i mean, the last 3 days have sucked. i guess i was over my stupid anxiety and now the just the entire weight of everything is weighing on me. the future, time, everything that's attacked me for the past year. just everything. but yesterday jerma streamed and even tho i didn't watch it i felt really happy seeing people meme about how he took 7 hours to complete a puzzle. can't wait for the highlight video! and then ill probably watch the vod while playing minecraft. it's kinda funny, and stupid af but when i found out jerma was slowing down stuff and people were genuinely being like "holy fuck he's gonna leave us" my deprived brain went into a fucking nuclear meltdown and i shut everything off for a bit. like i've been so broken over the past year that even a rando guy that i've been watching for a MONTH and a half potentially leaving in the FUTURE and (probably even then he isn't gonna "leave") sent my whole brain into a fucking warzone. like ya boy so socially deprived and on the brink of suicidal thoughts that they grew an attachment to the sus guy lol. NOT IN A CREEPY WAY! feel like i should reiterate that. i'm just super depressed so i'm way more attached then a normal fan because i've had nothing to love, and i'm autism so yea. (on a side note, he is genuinely helping with my mental health so much <3) 

okay back to just actually serious tangent. 

so today matpat really left. and that's fucked me up. i haven't even really been watching him that often but... he's just a building block of my early years and i kind of forgot how important he really was. i think it just reminded me of how... i'm never going to be able to go back. and that's fucked and i can't confront that right now. but, thank you. thank you so, so much mat. i know you haven't left but, it felt like i did even though you were here the entire time. that's messed up. but i'll see you later, when i'm ready. 

the internet sucks. i feel like almost  everything i watch nowadays is so pointless. videos about internet drama and big stupid stuff between idiots used to be something i poured all my time into looking into. now i just don't care. the guy is bad, whatever. i just remember when the internet felt so, colourful. i mean i would say it is but, i think youtube has become very algorithmic and repetitive. that one video by James Lee and the "virtual assistant buddy" is probably the main reason i stopped watching that stuff. (edit: here's the video https://youtu.be/IMVSZ7ybK0s?si=sqHFUsMk90_tAwIx )

i watch videos and think damn i don't even feel good watching this. i feel a sense of accomplishment but nothing else. but that's how i feel about a lot of things because you know, depression. music, writing and some other things make me feel way more than accomplished but still it's all kind of... faded. it's weird. i'm so tired and empty and yet despite everything i've gone through i still have so much love and dedication to spare. you'd think i'd be empty but no, it's still all there. it's just hard to find now. but when i'm in a good mood it's so easy. but no one wants my love. no one does. which is why i pour it into everything else. my creations and my idols. but i still have so much to spare, why doesn't anyone want it?

 like 4 days ago when i was at my group i tried making conversation with everyone but i was left so far in the dark. and my closest friend there was basically ignoring me, and when i tried showing her things she didn't really have much to say and just looked away. the second, and i mean the SECOND i decided to stop talking about anything because it wasn't working she was like "well i'm bored, i'm gonna go." and fucking LEFT 45 minutes early. like are you serious... 

my whole personal goal was so stop being in the background because that isn't how your idols got their name in the game did they? they didn't stand in the background wondering why no one is listening. and even when i try i get the whole thing of trying to find a crevice between the groups convo to squeeze in only to be cut out mid way. it's not fair. and this other guy, who seems a bit too attached to me and i'll be honest i got sus vibes from them because they would text me big things about stuff without me replying and then they almost vented one time about something. and this was like, in a WEEK. 

i was happy to talk about stuff and finally have someone listen to me but, this was a little much. even for me, a desperate person. and then after that whole ordeal they asked me out on a date. and usually stuff like that wouldn't make me feel weird, and i don't think i'm aro anymore. but this make me... uncomfy. and again, i've only been talking to them for like 2 weeks maybe. i want to share my love with an audience. i want to cackle with a friend group about characters and shows. so why, why for the love of god does it have to be so hard for that. i'm not boring, am i? 

and here's the reason im writing this. i feel like maybe it was a misinterpreted comment but i think i understood it well. there's just a lot of... undertones. 

so usually when i get up late for water or something and my dad sees me i'll get a fright and we'll both laughs about it and move on. but when i got up for medication that mum usually gives to me, my dad sprung up and saw me. i laughed, and was about to say something about how he scared me. but instead he said something like "jesus christ.. isn't it late for you." and went to check on my brothers. as if it was my fault, somehow. 

why can't anyone love me the way i love them. 

maybe that's something i want this year, to heal. and to find someone to love. not romantic, platonic. i wouldn't hate romantic though.. hhehe. but platonic is more likely. 

do you think they deserve love?