9/03/20XX - a terrible world.

oh god. everything was so perfect, and only for just a little while. i felt so proud of myself, for getting help. it's like my soul has been teared and broken so many times that even the littlest things trigger me now. i used to have a heart of fire. the determination and will to keep pushing through to matter what. where did it all go? and more importantly, will it come back? because i can't even look at dates or years and timeframes, i can't look at news or videos, i can't talk to people. i can't do any of those things without feeling so trapped in a corner and the little things that make up me feel to worthless and sad. whenever something like that happens, it feels like my world is crashing down. and to be honest, im just scared. im scared of losing everything and losing everything that makes up me. i'm scared that my future will be even bleaker than now. i used to think that the imaginary image of future me would come and save current me and all of my past me's. but sometimes i wonder if i'll even be able to make it that far. sometimes i don't think that they're gonna be here. but i pray and pray that i'll live. just please, please don't leave me. i don't even know who i'm saying this too, but whoever is there or here please don't go. because i can't handle it. i know you'll never understand but, at least be scared with me. at least tell me that you're terrified of what the unknown might hold, and then maybe it feels like we're going to do this together. and hopefully we make it to the other side, and if not. hopefully we die together. i want someone to tell me that everything will be alright, and i want to actually feel like it's true. not just something i know the other person believes but, doesn't really understand that it isn't so simple. i just wish i could be stupid enough to believe the other person, or smart enough to know that these things really will pass and that i don't need to worry. 

sometimes i sit down and think "man, if sburb was real i think that we genuinely do need it". yeah i know it's stupid to put a homestuck reference on my vent post lmao. but this is one of my other ways to cope. like i feel like humanity needs a hard restart. we've screwed everything up, haven't we. oh, and one time i thought "if i was a human in the underground, if asgore didn't die then do you think i would be my happiest being underground for the rest of my life? or do you think i would be happy if i got them onto the surface as well." i feel like a lot of them don't know how lucky they have it. down there, in such tight nice communities and little to no conflict. i would be happy. would i jump down there? and lose my whole past life? or would i bring them up as well? because even despite all this, i still like me. i still like everything i was built on and i still like all of hopes and dreams. would i sacrifice it for peace? i'm not sure, at this point. it's tempting. that's not good. 

hopefully, one day, this will pass. and hopefully i'll be so much stronger. until then i have to keep fighting, so, so hard. i'm so tired from how much i've had to do, and i get so little breaks. i have so many bruises and scars. but i can't stop until i'm free or i'm certain i'll never be. i can't stop until i'll at least shared something. i need to leave a mark. i need to run away. i need to hide. 

i need... a lot of things.