faking it until you never make it.

theres this thing i do sometimes. i dont really know why. where i smile really big smiles when i'm really sad. like just extremely fuckin down. it doesn't do anything but make me feel worse. they aren't real smiles. they are more like meaningless self pity smiles. its odd. like i dont do it conciously. it just happens.

what a start huh?

well this ones not a long one, just an uhhhhh thing. a BLURB. a mind blurb. i dont know.

i'm really out of it. like, really out of it. 

finding meaning in life is becoming harder and harder. i feel more like nothing. i am just doing very bad. 

i feel depressed.

i'm losing-no, i've just about lost motivation to do anything at more because i feel like such a fucking useless good for nothing failure. its so hard for me to do anything. literally anything. i can barely get happiness from art right now, and thats really scary. art is all i have. without it, i am truly nothing. if i cant draw, whats the point of me?

i feel like theres no getting out of this hole.

ive been stuck here for so long.

years.

im just getting worse and worse.

my throat is on fore and my eyes are draining themselves.

i used to only cry like once a year.

now its more like once a month.

i know something has to change. i've know something has had to change for ages.

but it's really hard to change the only person that can help you is the person who hates you the most.

i dont really know what to do but fail.

i feel like giving up completely.

its so hard.

im so tired.

im so sad.

im so over living like this. 

its never going to end.

im just getting worse all the time. everyday.

this is getting too long, i just wanted a blurb.

thats a funny word. blurb.