# 5; * star sticker

2/25/2024

my favorite superstition is rushing to locate a wooden surface to knock upon after saying something with just a bit too much hope. tempting fate is a sin— it loves to watch the light die from the eyes of the unlucky and the unloved. to make an attempt at retracting my statement from its cruel jaws i rap my knuckles tentatively upon my desk, chair, whatever i can find. i do this because i was told to and now i think everythings my fault. its a fun way of teaching little kids the universe is out to get them. the truth is it's a painful curiosity to know the people you love. you lose chunks of consciousness dealing with hurt that you know wont last forever but it still feels like it will. when i had my headphones in earlier i realized that the beginning of mad at nothing sounds like what falling in love feels like. when its a normal day and then you catch a glimpse of someone only to realize, and having it hit you all at once, that you'd spend forever with them if they asked. i always have so much to say but no way to articulate. words sometimes arent enough. recently i've been so aware of my consciousness and it's killing me. my hands which are just aching to reach for those which will never be fully within reach. when i was moving i found half of a necklace i got from someone i dont talk to anymore. i toss and turn at night but it's OK as long as the people i love r able to sleep soundly. hearing a song and realizing it's meant to be loved by a specific person. for just a second the little things make it feel like everything might be ok. im married to daydreams that are incapable of scarring my soul. what am i to live for if not for you? hiding in every crevice, so safely tucked away& engraved into every corner of my being, it never goes away. sometimes it's for the better and sometimes its for the worse. i lay my head to rest every night with an aching heart but i wouldnt trade it for the world. you feel like the crash of a wave and i don't think you know it. i cant imagine you ever really will.

i take it with me everywhere i go.

xo qr