I hate crying

Today has been such a shit day. Usually I tend to write after my breakdowns, but I right now I can't wait. It's that time of year again where my seasonal depression hits the hardest, and what sucks more is that it's near my birthday. Every spring sucks for me. It's like a curse in my family. Once March comes, all hell breaks loose. I hate this time of year. I forget how bad it gets. But I knew this was coming. I suspected it last summer when I was at my happiest. It always gets bad again. The feeling always comes back. But I think this time it's hitting harder because I was actually really happy before this. I had such a good week. Sure, the beginning of the year was tough, but I thought it'd be different this year. How naive of me. I tried so desperately to stop it from coming back, but I clearly was never meant to live happily. I'm always meant to feel like shit and sad and depressed and useless and alone and unmotivated. With how I was raised and born, there was no part of a "happy ending" for me (whatever tf that means). I need to stop getting my hopes. I always end up disappointed and sad. I hate that. I fucking hate that. I hate how my body needs me to cry in order to feel better, I wish I never have to cry again. I hate crying. I hate feeling this way. I'm feel so alone, but it's selfish of me to feel that. I hate feeling like everything is my fault, but it's selfish to make it about me. I hate that I can't feel. My family is acting like everything is okay now, how can they not see me losing my mind and falling back into the deep end? They're treating me like I'm made out of glass but they're not acknowledging me. It feel so fucking lonely. How do they expect me to just pretend like nothing happened? I'm so clearly not okay. But how dare I ruin the peace there was. I hate crying because I feel guilty for crying. I hate how I can't cry freely. I hate how I have to cry alone because I seem to be the only one who's bothered. I'm not selfish. I promise I'm not. I just want to cry. For once, I want to cry. I need to remember this feeling so that I'll never get disappointed again. I can't live like this anymore. I know I say that a lot, but this time it's different because I can actually do something about it. I turn 20 in two weeks. Maybe then, I can cry as freely as I want to.