Beautifully Tragic and Wanting to Suffer: a 2am rant.

I feel like a lot (not main cause, but a lot) of my suffering comes from wanting to be beautifully tragic. 

To suffer, aesthetically.

To suffer because it was cool, because it was the only "pretty" thing I had left to express myself, to see myself prettily.

It's like 2 am, so it might not make sense, and I don't know who needs or even wants to hear this but:

That is not the point. That is not what all those songs and poems and animations and art around suffering are about. 

*gently grabs my 13 year old self by the face* PUT DOWN THE FUCKING KNIFE. PUT DOWN THAT SAD PLAYLIST. YOU ARE NOT TRAGICALLY SUFFERING #aesthetic  #menhera  YOU ARE NOT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER SUFFERING IN AN ANIMATION TO A SONG. YOU ARE 13. YOU ARE A REAL HUMAN. THIS IS REAL LIFE.

AAAAAAAAAAAA. 

I'm not saying that just because you're young you can't "understand" or appreciate those types of vent art and stuff, it's just that...Instead of being normalised, it's glorified? Like, starving yourself, harming yourself etc. 

Like??? why did I not eat for weeks because I wanted to "prove a point" ???

And especially as a young teen with issues grasping reality, it's so difficult to distinguish real from fake.

My life is not aesthetically horrible. It is un-aesthetically nice. It's decent. 

Sometimes, I get annoyed by my pencil breaking while I draw. And that doesn't mean I need to scribble over the page and spiral into a mental breakdown to a vocaloid song.

Sometimes it takes a while to transition from fake stuff to real stuff, and reality and fiction can get blurry. 

So, while it may seem like your moment of glory, you're there, crying, bleeding, beautiful.

Take time to look at a different perspective. You're not in a movie. You're not in a music video. You're not in an animation.

You're real, you're here. 

Go look at the sun. Find some cool leaves. Feel the dirt, sand. feel the concrete.

I get it, life is horrible and you want to escape.

But will that help? It's only momentary relief.

This sounds crazy, but if you feel that way, take a nice glass of water, wash your face and open a window, door, anything. just poke your head out and get a little bit of fresh air.

Feel the stuff around you, the air, the warm sun or the cold night. Those tiny little ants you've never noticed. The specks of dust in the light. 

The way you can feel your skin, and blink your eyes. The way you can experience things around you. The way that you are built up of millions of cells, all those things in your veins, in your blood, their hard work, sole purpose to keep you alive.

That's what's beautiful.

Living, not dying.

I know that a lot of aesthetics, fashions, art, songs and such focus on darker themes, and I love some of those myself, but just because they are suffering doesn't mean you need to, too.

And most of the time, they're more focused on expressing something that happened in the past, and they made that art to show that they've grown as a person, that all of that pain and suffering wasn't in vain, that they're glad they lived through something horrific as that. 

So go, experience the world in any way you can.

Pick up a nice book. Bored? Listen to a podcast while you read it. Who says you can't? Make a cake, sandwich, eat a cracker. Anything you have. Roll around your bed, tap on your window, spin around in circles. Treat yourself kindly. It's difficult, but I believe in you. You'll get there.

Self-care isn't cringe. Loving yourself isn't cringe. It's tough. It's difficult. I know. I can't give much more advice, since I don't have that much, but:

The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first, and settles in as the gentle present.

For anyone who needs it. I found these in a lovely discord server I was in a few years ago

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