2/29/24| A rant about some friends. pt.2/2

My other highschool "best friend" we'll call "skull" and he/she is not only an Ex of mine (from middleschool bleh) but also Barbie's current partner.

our relationship has always been kinda problematic but they honestly mean the world to me and I would consider them a "favorite person" of mine. so it makes this next blog a lot more sensitive for me to talk about.

I used to always see skull as less of a person and more of an extension of myself and I feel like that was mutual for a long time despite being unhealthy.

our relationship as friends had less to do about common interest and more to do with bonding over drama and philosophy. we could always tell each other when we thought either of us was doing something stupid and falling into old habits, but we never knew each others favorite color or show. they were the friend I would get high and cry with, and they were the person id walk 2 miles uphill for at 3am just so we could get drunk in a park and laugh our asses off while talking about our dreams and how different things are now that we're "older" (what a juvenile sentiment looking back now.) 

there was a short time after highschool where we would call every night and play fortnite. this was usually while Barbie was out of town.

it was in that time that I started looking at our relationship critically and I wanted to make an effort to bond with them by knowing them better not just about their habits and mannerisms, but the things they liked and valued as a person. after all I had known them since we were like 12...

but I mean that was the last time I talked to them and that was like last september... it was either me getting left on read or them just not looking at my texts at all.

ill be the first to admit that looking back, I was an asshole from like 12-17 and even into my early 18's and most of that is because of my BPD, and I talked to barbie about it like a month or so ago and even apologized for some mean shit I did and they seemed understanding, but I haven't even talked to Skull in like 4+ months and I feel like maybe the unresolved stuff about our kinda toxic friendship makes it so that they don't want to be in contact with me...

and this sucks because I love both of them but most especially skull since me and her have always tried looking out for each other despite bumps along the road.

idk where im going with this. I tend to blame myself when people don't show interest in me, and I kinda feel like im doing that now but at the same time maybe we're just such different people and growing apart is a part of growing up.

it just really hurts me because I want them to continue being friends with me, and I feel like ill have an episode thinking about all the wasted years if we (all three of us) end up drifting apart. but I know I was happy that they were in my life as long as they were. it might help if I talk about my feelings with barbie but I can't help but feel my relationships with them are strained in some ways.