02.28.24

I don't really know what to write down. Its been awhile since I've made an entry here. 

Its 12:07am right now. 

I went to school yesterday. I got dressed up in new clothes and dangly earrings. Cute crop top and a mesh top just for it to be cold and drizzly. I dont look good in croptops or tight clothes. My legs are too short and my hips start too high. It seems as if half of femininity as a whole is just being small. And im not small. Im skinny, i guess. But im not small. Im not dainty. My body is wide, and built thoroughly. How am i supposed to wear tanktops with linebacker shoulders? Or cute croptops when my waist disappears everytime i go out of the house.Who cares about being skinnier. I just want to be smaller. My makeup that day ate though, completely. Body issues or not, my makeup stays top-notch.

I hung out with A and her friends during lunch, we went to wingstop. A took some photos of us and i posed along with the rest, hoping id look as good as i felt. I didnt. I caught a glimpse of my face on her phone and i felt so out of place. Thats the thing about me, i have this thing about bad photos of me anywhere. I wish i could have the freedom of laughing off and being comfortable with stray photos of me in my natural setting, stuff that goes on friends spam accounts or photos in groups. I cant have that though. Its this whole thing.

Im praised so much for how pretty i am. Which sounds pretentious to say, but its mostly just because im blonde. Nevertheless, praise about my face has always been there, and its prevalent. Its nice to hear dont get me wrong, but i think its kinda messed with me a bit. When people call me pretty, i have to prove them right with the fact that every photo of me on the internet is perfect and hand-picked by me. Its like gripping something and having to hold on, no matter how sore your hand gets. Ill always have to keep proving them right, no matter how many perfect pictures i already have to back me up. 

My ex contacted me acouple days ago, through one of those friend making (totally not tinder for teenagers) apps. I only have the app for jokes, since its known for housing some of the weirdest and thirstest guys. And theyre right, the dms i get are pretty funny. But i hadnt been active on the app for awhile now. I had only gone back the past day or so. Its location-based, so youll see the profiles of people who are closest to your area or state. That how my ex found me. He sent me this rushed message about missing me in a friendship sort of way. I had broken it off with him like a year ago. So it was very out of the blue. For some context, the way peoples profiles are set up on the app is like instagram stories. You get a limited amount of slides, three usually- and you put up pictures of yourself, what youre interested in or what you do. My last slide is deticated to the weird dms i get. Its like a wall of shame, with all the weirdest dms i get. Its pretty funny. Anyways, i put him up there. Guess he was checking my profile dayly or something, because a couple hours later he saw it, and responded with a "sigh". Cringe. I replied after that. Telling him he was on there for a reason, and to please stop trying to interact with me. And that was the end of it. 

Its getting pretty late now, and i tend to have a hard time getting out of bed if i go to sleep past 12. Hoping i feel better soon. Logging off.