self manipulative

i dont get how i just convince myself i'm fine. i'm fine. this is fine. this is all fine. it feels like it's fine so it must be fine.

i push my thoughts to the back of my head, the furthest corners of my jumbled mind.

and it's okay for a while, but then those thoughts come back like a tsunami, flooding my face with tears.

it's like that. over. and over. and over again.

just a little while longer, and i don't have to go through those bumps. i won't feel that way ever again, i won't feel so terrible ever again. i'll experience the bumps of life, but i will never drown in my own mind. ever. again. i just know it.

so until then, i'll convince myself everything is fine, when in reality something is very, very wrong. and that i haven't really processed what i should have, because i push everything that troubles me away. that's what i've done, what i'm doing, and what i'm going to do as i continue in life. because i'm a self manipulative person- who only half-believes the pitiful words they write.

thanks for reading if you did

-zwee