So, what's new?

Growth, I guess. I'm not sure what this is anymore quite frankly.

To anyone reading, I know I sound super fucking pretentious. Sorry about that. To update what's happened in my life, not much. I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it here, I think I did though, but I had been feeling okay yet not good. Now, I feel good. I know I'm good. Despite being good and okay and being in a "better" place, why does everything still feel so empty. Everything just feels like some nicer form of limbo. I've fully recovered from being parasocial, being a prick to myself, and overall have been trying to be nicer to myself and life. I've been trying to do the little "good" I can with what little concept and reality there is to any good. I want change. I've always been afraid of it, yet I know I need change to grow. I've improved a lot, yes. But, I'm still the same empty and numb loser I was before. It's not that I want to change who I am as a person, rather I want to change my situation. I want new, exciting, something I've never really had, something fun I suppose. Like, a romantic relationship despite the fact (I'm pretty sure) that I'm aromantic. I'm not sure of what I really need or want but I know i crave some vague idea of change. I've also made the small realization that I very much dislike the feeling of nostalgia and that I might have some sort of trauma(???). I don't want to confront that all too much. I probably have something, but I don't want to face it on the behalf that I don't want to sound attention seeking or that I'm an ever bigger pretentious asshole. I know I'm not like a super pretentious asshole, but there are times my brain flips and my self image switches like crazy. That might be connected to something else I don't want to confront. I don't know. I'll go now. 

See ya later alligator ?! 

(this entry was kinda ass.. sorry fellas)