If you ask yourself, what is this?

There is no one I envy more than Curious George.

He gets to be owned by the man in the yellow hat, wake up, have his cake and eat it too. We applaud his inquisitve mind, even if he is a bit of a dumbass. Yet when I ask questions, I feel like a fool. As though I should already know the answer, seeing as I don't have the luxury of being a 3 foot tall monkey. 

I know, I know. Way to make a children's cartoon all about yourself, you vain fuck. But I swear, in the least pretentious way possible, I'm only highlighting the allegory I picked up on. So piss off ok.

I wish I was less embarrassed to be out of the know. But the truth is, no matter how much I try to fight it, I'm terrible at accepting feedback. It kills me that I'm not humble enough to take criticism well. I know nothing, but when I know something, I can't deal with any cognitive dissonance surrounding it. I just can't; I will put off opening that email or those Canvas comments or those PDF edits. I don't have a fail safe for when my justifications aren't good enough. I just chalk it up to incompetence, unintelligence, and helplessness. And I'm ashamed of it.

I'm ashamed of my inability to suck it up, butter cup. I have a fear I'll forever yearn for a Curious George mindset; one where I can be set free from cognitive dissonance and allow myself to make mistakes in order to gain. So I suppose I wish I was less afraid of judgement. I say I am, but in reality, I think I'm only unafraid when judgement is subjective. Being objectively wrong is a much different story, but maybe I should make like George and lean into it. After all, I looked like him when I was 4.

P.S.

What a shame that I get the most creative writing spark at the most inconvenient of times. I have two essays due tonight, both of which I'm fucked sideways for, and all I can do it write for leisure. It's not my fault my brain works this way. In fact, that might be my cure to writer's block. Assign me a task and watch my mind frolick the realms of wild wonder and artistic flow. 

And I'm allowed to say that, because art is subjective.