Youtube is Ruining My Life

very dramatic title I know. but I dont even think it's an overstatement. okay maybe a little. but for real, it's pretty bad.

over the years my relationship with youtube has gotten worse and worse and WORSE. at first, yk like any other kid I just used it occasionally to watch funny videos or cool animations. I'm honestly not really sure when the switch flipped or when it started becoming toxic. I'm on it like ALL of the time. constantly CONSTANTLY scrolling through it to find some background noise. everyday for several hours a day. it's weird because I can sit in silence. it's just...really fucking hard lol. and I know it's a good thing to be bored or whatever but it's so hard for me. it's kinda a habit now to get on there and find something to watch or to find some background noise, so because I do it so much it's even HARDER to not do.

I feel like I should just yk delete the fucking app. DUH. like of course that's the solution here. that is like the ONLY way to solve this problem (I think?). but that is also a hard decision to make. I realized it's not just because if the whole sitting in silence thing. I realized recently that I've got a pretty bad case of FOMO, which is something I actually didnt know I had. hell I deleted tik tok over a year ago and I dont give a shit what happens over there anymore. like I was FINE. but YouTube? theres a lot of creators who's content I like. and my brain's like "if you delete YouTube you cant see their stuff anymore!!!!!" and I'm like shit you're right. but at the same time YouTube is really boring now? it's weird. I wanna watch people's stuff but I'm simultaneously bored at the stuff I'm watching. what????

I dont NEED to see any of these peoples content. in fact me constantly looking at other people's shit is holding me back from making my OWN shit. oh yeah, that's another thing I wanted to talk about LOL. okay I'll get to that. like I was saying, most of the content I watch doesnt really mean anything to me. it's a complete and utter waste of time to indulge into. like honestly most of it doesnt even fuel my interests. it's mostly just noise. the stuff that holds the most meaning to me is shit I've seen a million times already. aka OLD STUFF. everyone's making the same thing nowadays. it's just not really fun. but uh blah blah algorithm blah blah yk that sort of thing is at fault here I guess. but I'm just constantly watching things I dont fucking care about. and its KILLING ME. I can barely function without background noise now. it's like I kinda just shut off without it. I get tired and drowsy and I cant focus. it's all so backwards. 

then the other thing. the art thing. and this kinda goes beyond youtube but it still plays a part in it. so yk I'm an artist right? a very sad excuse of an artist more like. a jobless, not in college hermit artist. which means I've got a lot if time on my hands right now and I should make good use of that time while I still can, right? it would be the perfect time to practice art as much as i can right? that would be the smart fucking thing to do RIGHT? no. I feel like i spend more time looking at other people's art than I do making my own. it's like self sabotage. I am CONSTANTLY looking at art that is better than mine and comparing myself to it. this has been an issue for years and surprise! it's only gotten 10 times worse. I have so many stories to tell. do they all suck? YES. but do I wanna draw them anyways? of course! but I cant FUCKING DO THAT if I'm constantly watching YouTube videos and constantly looking at other people's art wondering why I cant be like them. ITS BECAUSE YOURE NOT FUCKING DRAWING YOU FUCKING DUMBASS.

so.

what am I gonna do?

well idk.

I should just delete the app. I'm gonna have to fight with myself on it because I'm really good at coming up with excuses for not wanting to do something.

yk what's funny? I watched a video not too long ago about "letting your old self go" and stuff. and it kinda stuck with me because I was like yeah I have to do that. but it's hard. and it being hard is a great excuse for me to prolong it. and the longer I prolong these issues the worse they will get. I learned this the hard way. no. I'm learning this the hard way. I clearly havent learned anything seeing as im still self destructing and even faster and worse than before. being sad is so easy. but it hurts so much. I dont wanna feel like this anymore. ive been complainimg about my sadness for years but have done little to nothing to fix it.

seriously, what's wrong with me?

I'm pretty tired. i ate a bagel and I'm full but I want some chocolate. I have two chocolate muffins. I want to dave them for another day but fuck are they calling me right now.