titled writing 2/22/2024

location: werk

i'm not a writer but i feel like writing, i suppose. currently watching "one day". it's a good show so far but i'm sure it'll make me feel sad by the end of it. i don't know what's been going on with me. i'm tired of questioing everything i do but, i'm also tired of feeling like this. is there an end to this? this searching feeling that never feels satiated. i feel like i don't know what to do because i'm not chasing anything. i'm scared i'm losing interest in the things around me. i don't want to. i don't hate my life but living it is making me feel drained. and i don't know why. i'm thinking about taking a gap semester. i'm not sure what i'll do with the time but at least it'll be different. i don't know how to code. and i really need to put time into learning. so i guess i could do that. i don't know where i would stay. i wouldn't want to spend it in one place. i don't know. i wonder if there's a way out of this but from experience, there always is. i drank last night. 6pm on a wednesday alone. and it did make me feel better for a while. but i know it wouldn't last. the nightmares last night really scared me. i wonder if there was a meaning behind it or if it was just a culmination of all the fucked up shit in my head. d and m were the same person. and i liked d but if they were the same person, i couldn't be with him. and all i remember is that it blurred the lines of right and wrong in such a way that it frightened me. it's funny my dreams are like that but i don't think i like d all that much. i liked him more when i felt like i was chasing him. and i only really want to see him now if i'm drunk. i guess that's kind of fucked up to say. but i guess it doesn't even matter. i think i'm growing up. as much as i don't want to. the same things that meant alot to me before don't really have the same impact as they used to. i'm sure that's partially the medication's fault too. i wonder what matters to me now then. i should go to the gym after i leave work. hopefully i do it. hopefully i start going to class again. i don't really want to though. i think i'll figure it out. probably.