a different kind of self-sabotage

even though i’m more than content with my new life, something deep down still bites at me to change it. You’ve got too much going on, all at once. Maybe you should drop it all, move to a little town, be small and still for once. i tell it to be quiet because everything is wonderful. this is the first winter where i haven’t been so sad. i can really say that. because isn’t that something? for as long as i remember, i’ve wanted to not be sad during winter. i wanted it to go away completely. while that hasn’t happened, it’s better here. but you don’t lose something without gaining something else. now instead of sadness, it’s worry in it’s place. and a slight bitterness at those who don’t share the worry. it’s hard not to be bitter. it’s a bitter thing. my entire life, i’ve wanted more. i ask, and i ask, and i take, and in turn i give, but only what i want to give. somehow i’m not the biggest asshole in the world. there are other problems, but that’s not one of them. back to the beginning; i think what i really need is my own space, fully. that will be my small town. i’ve realized i love being alone. i’m not lonely, so it’s a blessing. i love dealing with my own things. i am constantly wishing my roommates away. and when they are away i love playing music, i love cooking, i love everything because i’m alone and it’s just me doing my thing. but it’s never long. i really need it to be. self sabotage was the theme of my late teens. now i seem to be self sabotaging in a different way. consciously, financially, and in the way where my brain tells me to go somewhere else that’s small and quiet. art school is self sabotage, but what else can i do? i’m still trying to figure it out. and to think that staying would be settling. if i say anything then a lot of people get mad at me very quickly. if i don’t, i have to deal. or maybe i don’t. there’s no real answer. i have moments where i see my future, calm and blissful and full of love and light and cleanliness. i guess the worry is how uncertain it all is. i wish i could wake up and someone would tell me they will take care of everything and i don’t have to worry anymore ever. i wish a  lot of things but maybe that’s my biggest. 

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