titled mine 2/19/2024

location: yas lair

currently listening to jjk end 1. just finished watching entergalactic. about to get up and make breakfast after writing this and then go to the gym with m. life is okay. nothings going particularly right but nothings particularly wrong because i suppose theres nothing really going on right now. and thats okay with me. i wonder if theres a word for how im feeling. im just okay with living right now. maybe the word is okay. im thinking about d. more accurately, thinking about my lack of feeling with d. i dont dislike him and i like talking to him. but is that grounds with a relationship? i dont think so. i think i like to think about him when someone says the phrase my person. but i think i was too focused on the "my" part of the phrase rather than the entirety of it. i've never had much that i considered mine and mine alone growing up. things could be disrespected or ripped out of my hands at any moment. so i treasured what was mine. the idea that a whole person, with thoughts and feelings and dreams, could be mine. i think that was the magic i felt with him. he was a person with a whole story behind and ahead of him and in this moment, he was mine. no one could take him away and right now, he wanted to be mine too. i think thats why people get stuck in long term relationships that end with the realization that nothing was truly there. its easy to mistake the feeling of being wanted as something more. it does feel good but that doesn't mean it's right. i think i see my life as a list of checkboxes and the more i'm able to tick down the list, the happier i should be. i check my pockets, keys, lip balm, airpods, phone. everything's okay. i look at my life, grades, friends, boys, and right now, i'm able to tick all the way down. for the most part at least. but having him shouldn't be the goal in how i feel. i know how magic feels like when i care for someone. i don't think i feel that for him. the fact that we get along well doesn't mean or imply anything more than that. i think i'm gonna ask others how they feel for their person and why they are with them. i think i like asking other people how they feel. it helps me understand better and i learn from it. it's always good to learn more.