i just want to go to bed at night.

is this a vent or is it a "mental health analysis"? i'm not sure. i'll figure out as i go on i guess. 

so what's this all about this time? what super despresing thoughts am i about to spill onto this blog once more. well not many. in fact i'm only really writing this because i can't sleep. well something like that. i feel like (more like i know because this almost an every night occurrence) that if i were t get in bed right now i would toss and turn for possible hours before falling asleep. it is TORTURE.  i have no idea why i can't sleep at night. well i've got some. the phone doesn't help much i know. but even if i avoid my phone like the fucking plague when i'm ready for bed i'll still end up tossing and turning. it's the worst thing in the world. imagine being so tired, like your eyes are drooping so bad and they're so heavy but you can't, no matter how hard you try, fall asleep. it's the worst. 

speaking of sleep, my daydreaming is still not great. it has once again started taking up hours of my days. idk what happened but there was a time where it wasn't too bad but then it got back to being bad again. well i kinda know what happened. well i think i know what happened. basically i got super depressed and did like little to nothing for a few days and i assume that's what got that bad daydreaming habits to come back. the day dreaming has never stopped. it never will probably. but it's not supposed to be this bad. like they're really hard to come out of. it's so easy to create worlds in your head. much easier than putting them on paper. and that really sucks. i like the worlds in my head. i don't understand why i can't just fucking draw those stories. i feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life right now. the tiniest things will cause me to spiral. just simple little fuck ups ill validate my self hatred. that perfectionist is winning. they've been winning for years. i am trapped. i hate everything i hate living i hate this life i'm fucking hungry i wanna go to sleep i dont wanna be like this anymore but i dont know how to change and the perfectionist is afraid of failure so if i dont know how to do it it just wont get fucking done because if i do it wrong im a failure at everything and i don't deserve to live.

extremely cool thoughts. run on sentences. i hate those.

i became a lot more accepting to the idea of change. the idea of it. the idea is easier to accept than the real thing i've realized. i don't know what to do. i've said it a million times. i think i say it everyday at this point. i don't know how to just "let my old self go and start over". if i start over and mess up i've failed and the self hatred hole just gets deeper. it feels like i can't win. it feels like theres nothing good coming for me and that this is it forever. i'm not making enough effort to change and for that i feel like a failure. it soesn't matter what i do. i'm going to fail, but my brain can't seem to accept that. if i fail, the world ends. i'm useless. and i continue to feel useless. every failure is just a reminder of how useless i am.

i feel like i'm still not tired enough to go to sleep, but i'm starting to get sick of typing, so i think i'm just gonna lay down anyways, which isn't a good idea. apparently laying down when you're not tired can be bad for you or whatever. yk makes it hard for you to fall asleep or something. i don't remember. i've read so many stupid articles because i'm so desperate for sleep and a normal sleep schedule. i'm starving. it's 12:44 am. 

this is all my fault. maybe if i just would've went to college. maybe this would've all been avoided if i went to fucking college. but i fucking hate school. i fucking hate school. i fucking. hate. school. i'm really hungry and i have no snacks. damn. i had some things but i ate them days ago. man am i regretting that now. i knew i would. i'm gonna lay down now. i don't know what else to do now. it doesn't matter anyways does it?

i don't feel like rereading this to check for mistakes. maybe i'll do it later.