odd time, huh

i haven't written anything in a while. not just on here but in my personal journal as well. no one cares to know but thats okay, i've been trying to keep up with my school work and things have changed a bit. i'm definitely doing better than last month. however, i have lost many friends. i feel as if i've fallen off somehow. i don't really do anything but i mean it in the sense that- i've fallen out of loop. i've always been seen as a little odd but now i really do get it. i don't say this in a sense of self pity, i dont care anymore. i still have anxiety but i feel good, better even. i'm good now but i feel like i'm just floating around in soft, fuzzy static. i'm not desperate for people anymore, but i still enjoy them. i have fully gotten over the parasocialism i've struggled with for a couple of years. im happy. i don't feel at my best because i know i am nowhere near my peak. i think that's for sure something i'd be afraid of. i've been drawing a bit again. i had real shit art block for a while. i don't have any exact hype fixations anymore, nothing to obsess over unhealthily anymore. i'm actually doing good, i suppose. i just feel sort of empty, i guess. not to sound melodramatic, or pretentious, or anything of the sorts. i sorta realized this a few days ago, maybe. i thought valentines day would be more difficult for me, being aromantic and somehow craving romance so much. i had really liked the idea of a qpr. however, i dont care anymore. i've lost religiousness, i'm not as needy for an individual's attention, i'm not the same anymore. i feel different, but nothings changed. i sound so, idk, pretentious? it's not the best way to describe but its all ive got right now. other than this, i've been looking forward to the future. i'm still not the best with planning, but i cant wait for freedom (america!!rahhh). i know i'll have to disconnect  myself from my family, completely that is. it'll be a big changed, but i need to be able to live. if i want to live and share my love for living with others, i cannot stay here. i can't stay with people who have never pushed for my happiness in freedom and in a city that only pushes down the liveliness of any dreams i've ever had. i'm a loser and i'm stuck. im okay, though. i hate how i sound so serious, like as if i take myself for genius among man. i hope someone reads this and thinks i'm entertaining, sorry fellas.