severe envy

As I've grown older, something I've struggled to come to terms with is my intense envy of other people. I'm critical of people, overly so, and I harbor hatred toward them because they carry traits I wish I had. I've been internally and externally rude to certain people for this reason. I'm too old for this. I need to stop, but it's difficult.

One of my friends, DV, she has a good job and she goes out all the time with people she knows. I hate her. I hate that she's better than me financially, I hate that she has more fun than me. It makes me so angry sometimes, so bitter, even though I know I wouldn't have fun if I did the things she did, if I hung out with the people she hangs out with. I hate her. I hate another friend of mine, NF, because she's beautiful. She's tall, skinny, elegant, but she's nice. She's nice to everyone, it feels like, and she's more emotionally mature than me. She's apologized to and remains friends with people in our shared paths that I don't have the guts to talk to again. I wish that I could be her sometimes.

In the same vein, I harbor this same envy toward these people in my adjacent circle: MB, PC, SG; they are all friends with people the way I wish that I could be friends with people. I don't think I want to do the things they do, but I wish I could be the kind of person who enjoyed that sort of thing the way they do. I can see why envy is one of the seven deadly sins. I am full of it. It runs my life, ruins it.