intimacy

its almost 12am and yet here i am pondering what is truly so frightening about intimacy, why is it such a complicated idea for my mind to grasp? and only in the specific context of it happening to me? 

edit to clarify: im talking about romantic intimacy, i have no problem being platonically intimate and vulnerable, mainly in romantic contexts

is it a fear of being vulnerable? a fear of being judged? of being hurt? of being deemed unworthy or inferior? all of the above? 

if thats the case, why isnt that fear constant? why is it that it doesnt destroy me in some circumstances and destroys me in others? 

i can read about it happening to others just fine (for example: in fanfiction), but imagining myself in that same situation is so unsettling to me. why is that? is it because of a sense of detachment in reading about it happening to others instead of me that makes it so much less intimidating? 

so much to think about...