feb 10 2024 selfishness

things are getting harder to deal with, i dont know how much longer it will take before i shut down agian. im already cutting people i valued out of my life, i really hope i dont do that to caden or ava and most  importantly noah, hes the only reson im alive right now and getting through high school. i feel like ive been lost for so long now i genuinly dont care what happens to me or others. i feel like the scum of the earth for how i treat people now and days esspecialy noah he doesnt deserve the uneeded and stupid fights i always cause. i get anger and upset whener he cancels a plan or doesent live up to his own suggestions or plans and i hate when people do it makes me feel like they dont want me around even through i know they do like noah its just his parents that cuase such a incovince, if they werent so active and productive me and noah would see each every single day possibly and we'd have so much fun and happy memories but everyone always has to get in the way of my fucking life like please just leave me alone for once PLEASE its all i ask. i hate everyone who posses a threat to me or incovince in my life and im getting more irretable every day and im gettging more and more aggrisve in converstaions that im seen as not being right in like i just dont get why it seems everyone is out for me like go away leave me alone stop causing problems for me fuck off stop talking i dont care i have enough shit to deal with. this is probably why i only hang out with noah and caden at lunch i hate those who cause problems and the person i dispise the most is max cuz he wont leave me alone at lunch stop sitting at my table go get high or somthing just go away. and also that grade nine bitch who keeps coming up to noah, i talked about her to caden and he surpisingly understood why i hate her and im really happy he does beacuse now i dont feel much more understood by somone and i know my thoughts are comletly justifed.