Jan 17 2024 great start to 2024

I think I had another dream about jack last night. I don't want to dream abt him he's cringe. I've been feeling very tired during the day and more awake at night unless I'm with Noah them I'm kinda sleepy. In the mornings when my alarms goes off I feel the dread of living and responsibilities. I choose to live yk like wtf. Every passing day I see my self more and more likely to end it, I just don't see that point anymore I'm happy sure ig but I'm just so sick of being by myself everyday and being expected of everything when om still treated like a child at the same time. I don't card how many people tell me im lazy or going nowhere I don't care anymore I've heard it my whole life it's lost it meaning to me. Telling I'm lazy isn't gonna make me "do better" or do more it's just gonna make me not like you more because you don't care about what I might be going through which is causing me to be more less productive. Another thing FUCK PRODUCTIVITY like I'm not devoting half my time into fucking useless work and other things I need that time to fucking take care of myself because I've been suffering from anorexia for 2 or more years now and I genuinely think it's gonna be the reason I die