Dec 8 2023

Why can't I just be normal, a functional citizen, why do I always have to make my life into a massive mess and then complain about how I don't know what I'm doing anymore or who I am. I physically can't talk to people I force myself to not cry and scream when in the same room as strangers I feel my heart scream at me to worry and be scared. I don't have a more worst fear then the judgment of others. I don't know what it was that made me like this? Was it myself? My father? My mother? I don't get it why can't I be normal and be able to talk and be around others without my body screaming in fear about having to talk and embarrass myself. I wish I didn't feel anything I wish I was emotionless I wouldn't feel scared or happy so I wouldn't know what it's like to have it ripped away from me