Aug 1 2023 The worst type of sad

It's the summer of 2023

I have loving boyfriend named Noah

He's not really what I was looking for but he's treated me better then anyone I know.

He's boring and doesn't understand me well. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't care. No I know he doesn't care because tbh who does in the end its just you and yourself. Ever since I was young I knew I wouldn't have a normal life like other people. I know who I am but sometimes I get lost but I wanna be lost I don't wanna be in this world I wanna get lost and struggle till I die or something kills me. Everything and everyone here sucks.

I grew up a sad person and no matter how much I smiled or how hard people tried to make me happy I always ended up in the same place, my bed, a dark room with no light, blankets suffocating my body, lying there with no thoughts just feeling. I never understood what I was feeling and still don't but I know this feeling will always stick with me it'll never leave me be, it'll never let me be fully happy. It's a weight around my ankle making me fling my arms to get above water but my struggles make me tired and I eventually give in and sit there doing nothing, feeling nothing, thinking nothing