Ennui and Writing

Ennui

a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom.

I do nothing often. But by nothing, I mean I play video games. And sometimes I am ashamed of it. Sure, there is some value in teamwork, maybe even in the stories. But HOW would that ever make me productive and useful to something or someone?

I don't think there's a true topic or premise in this blog. I thought this would make me feel better but I don't think that's why I originally opened the tab and started to yap. 

I want to be a writer. I want to write fiction. I might be judgemental of the fact that you can predict some things in a story, but I tend to enjoy any story, either because I have no eye for good storytelling or I only see the good in it. 

I wrote a story before, but I cut it short. It was for a contest for Bennington College. High schoolers can submit a short story for a chance to be featured on their website and potentially earn a cash prize. I hate that I cut it short. it was about a creature that lives underground and crawls out after the apocalypse to rehabilitate Earth. It comes from the south pole, and all the description does not come from visual, but from texture and the sounds it hears.

I had big plans for it - I was going to have Moses develop a bigger identity over time, and the conclusion would have made sense from everything it learnt.

But I really should move on from it. Even if there is still a passion from it.

So, since being an author relies on your clout, i decided to be in technical school for graphic design and web design. which I didn't think I would enjoy, but it was something practical I can use as a backup for.. whatever my plan is in the future.

I don't like talking about my future, but it seems everyone else enjoys it more than I dislike it. They seem concerned, yes, out of good intentions, but I don't know whether to feel apprehensive because i'm being nagged or that i'm naive and everyone is right. I fall right in the middle all the time, because no one can be THAT wrong about life.. right?

"what are you going to do after high school?" "are you going to college?" "are you going to get a job soon?" "you're turning 17, once you're 18, that's it - you won't be the same again." "I'll get you a car so you can hang out with your friends!"

Maybe i'm too busy watching squirrels out the window while everyone else is trying to get me to stop daydreaming.