Lonely

I feel like a prisoner in my dorm room. 

I have no friends that live here like last year, everyone either dropped out or went to a different school. For me to visit friends I have to take the red line for 30 to 40 minutes. 

No one from my school attends the dorms this year as well. So that’s great. It’s so hard making friends here, I feel so awkward and at the same time, I kinda don’t want to make new friends. It’s scary and draining and I hate having to upkeep new relationships. Sometime it feels like a checklist I have to do. At the same time though- I want to hangout with people and live that stereotypical college life. I want to go to a party or a rave, maybe an undercover concert. 

Sometimes, I get so jealous when I see a group of friends go somewhere and they seem excited. I wish that was me. I want to go somewhere with a group. 

You know- I never been to Chinatown during the day. I’ve been there twice and both times was with my partner during nighttime so half of the stores were closed or closing. I always wanted to go with a few friends. 

I’m in one of the biggest cities in America and I can’t even go anywhere. I’m suck inside a small dorm room by myself. Like how do you make friends in college when everyone goes to a different school? Or when people already established their friends groups? You can’t just walk up to people and be like “hey, wanna be friends?” People would look at you weird.

My partner always tells me I need friends so I’m not sad when I have to leave him to go to class during the week but I get that. People don’t walk up to me and conversant with me. I’m too shy to really talk to people anyway. He also just doesn’t understand how hard it is for me to meet new people and maintain relationships with. I don’t know how to explain it to him. I want more friends so he doesn’t have to worry about me socializing. Currently he is the only person I see regularly in person. 

I don’t want that to be the case anymore :/

It’s so lonely here. I eat alone and sleep alone. I don’t really have hobbies anymore since they used to be art. Now that I go to an art school it’s primarily my work/career now. I don’t really have any source of entertainment here besides my phone. I know that I should develop a hobby, so I wont feel so depressed about this- but what am I supposed to do? I have no money nor the time really. 

Good news though, since I’m alone this weekend I’ve made plans with a friend to go to the museum together. Part of me is praying that she cancels but I should be fine. I just need to mentally prepare to leave my dorm for a few hours. This will be the only social interaction I’ll have outside of family. The next two week I’m going home sadly so I’ll be in another state…alone all weekend for five days….