02.06.24

I feel so delicate right now. I think that's how i should describe it. I feel very breakable. Every part of me feels tense. Waiting for my favorite fanfic to update isn't fun, especially when she got left off on a big cliff-hanger. My brother yells at me to let the dog in, and its so annoying. Hes the one who lets her out in the first place, then screams my name to come downstairs and let her inside. He says she wouldn't come inside if he's the one calling her in. Its not that hard, just bring out a piece of bread or something, and don't stand infront of the door. I cant tell him that though, cause then hell just yell more.

I had my headphones in, and didn't hear him the first few times he called. Then when he came upstairs and knocked on my door-- yelling again, i told him to just let her in himself. He then started to scream louder, whole breakdown. Something about 'its been like this for a year now you should know this' blah blah. That's the thing. I cant tell him off or say no, cus then hell yell louder or get actually angry. Its not like im scared of him or anything, its not like theres an angry man in my house-- but its definitely not fun. Its not something i get used to either, other than him yelling my name from the downstairs. 

I didn't go to school today, i was exhausted when i got home from school yesterday, exhausted when i got into my bed at 6, exhausted when i woke up at 8 and went back to sleep, no dinner. Utterly exhausted when i woke up at 7:44. I really did want to go to school today. I was planning on just putting on a lazy outfit and pushing through. I haven't gone to school two days in a row since the beginning of the school year? Early in the first semester at least. I dunno. I don't know how to fix me. If i cant go to school for more than one day in a row, how will i ever get a fucking job? That's why i don't want to get a job, i wouldn't be able to keep up with it-- no matter what it is. And i feel like a baby because of it. Everyones so ahead of me. All the other seniors are so grown up, and im still in sophmore year. Im still taking math 2 for fucks sake. Its not like i can read the equations anyways. 

My guy friend, R, has started to joke flirt with me. Having guy friends is not fun. I trusted he out of anyone, wouldn't gain a crush on me-- considering we have no classes together and i never see him. Only text him every now and then. But i don't know what i really expected. He sends me joking texts like "(blank blank blank) just for you" or "u304 and R being the cutest couple at school" when talking about school rumors. Today he sent me a tiktok of some emo youtubers and their little girl, and a caption saying "us as parents". I responded by saying "i hate those youtubers bye" and he said "we can be better than them" and i said, jokingly, "i'm sterile" and he just now responded "we can adopt."

Like,, Catch. A. Hint. 

Maybe its my fault for playing into it and enabling it the first time, when we talked about school rumors and he made that joke. I shut it down with a responding joke, but then later made a kinda enabled joke after that. 

Its just.. not fun having to deal with one awkward guy who blatantly likes you in one class, then your friend who starting to like you aswell, all while trying to rekindle an old friendship with a guy who you don't know if doing so will cause him to catch feelings for you again, when your friendship mainly ended because his way of flirting was straight out bullying you and punching you. That guy in question, D, had a crush on another girl once; and i was told that he punched her so much, she had a big bruise on her back because of him. Its really unfun. I wish they'd just leave me alone. So much for valentines day, pain in the ass ill tell you. Logging off.