It's the middle of the night

It's the middle of the night, and I'm thinking about you. About the way you made me feel, and the way I don't know if I'll ever feel again. I'm thinking about your touch and your funny quirks and the rituals we fell into together.

I'm thinking about how afraid I am that I'll never love again, because if I ever let it happen, no matter how blissful any given moment is, no matter how right it all feels, I'm only ever two weeks away from disaster. At most.

I miss feeling. Even the fear that constantly gripped my lungs, the fear that one day you'd wake up and realize I wasn't enough anymore - the fear that came true - even that was better than being too afraid to feel anything at all. I'm glitched out, stuck between debilitating suffering and terrifying numbness.

This is probably oversharing. You know what they say, once it's on the internet it's never really gone. But maybe I prefer it that way, so I have to keep seeing it and thinking about it, so I can't forget you even if it would be easier that way. Maybe I'd rather eight billion strangers see this and know that you're still in my head.

Maybe I'm just an idiot.

Sorry for rambling, guys. I'll be out of my feelings in the morning. Might even delete this if I'm feeling a sufficient amount of shame for shitposting about my personal life.

Love you.

Rhowyn :)