015 ୨ৎ

i yearned 

and i keep yearning 

for something i cannot have

for something that does not exist

and rage consumes me

i slam myself against the wall

and break down in a fit of sobs

i scream until 

my lungs hurt

and my heart threatens to rip out my chest

and no amount of music

can soothe the ache

of wishing to lie in arms

that wish to hold you

to kiss lips

that wish to kiss you

that do not force themselves

to feel

to taste

to touch

to love

that do not lie to you

that love only you

to lie in the bed of 

someone who cares about you

but tonight is not that night

am i not worthy 

am i supposed 

to lie

to cheat

to force

every ounce of something out of me

even until i have nothing more to give

a woman is a poet

both heart mind and soul

but i am tired of writing

writing with the tears that 

dare not escape my eyes

have no humility

do not look at me like that

as if you’ve never felt like me

enraged

my arms entangled 

tying the mental noose 

i hang my life from

i hang my self from 

that i restrict air to my lungs from

and i dangle

i dangle in my sadness

and i sulk in my being

ashamed of who i am

ashamed who i’ve become

do i not deserve it too

do i not deserve to kiss

and hold and collide 

with something real

that i do not have to fake

that i do not have to force

just love me for who i am

who i stand in

and i promise

to stand in it with you too

i am unhappy

must i always be?