how she died

Dec

Mom Dr Marrigan finally found out the story of how Cassie passed. She made me fill my body up with her so called 'nourishment' that I obviously do not need beforehand, but it was worth enough to figure out what she was doing in that motel. 

Her esophagus ruptured. It's called Boerhaave's syndrome. She got into a fight with her parents on Thanksgiving and was going to purge. Her parents were concerned and her dad would refuse to send her to college unless she got better. She left to the motel, lied to her mom about where she was going, and then drank, binged, and purged for 2 days. She was purging when her throat teared apart. She died doing what kept her going; the thing that kept her at peace. It may sound dumb that throwing up would make her at peace after, but it's also like that for me when I don't eat.

Dr Marrigan also told me that Cassie's mom wants to understand why she 'threw away' all that she had in her life. It's a dumb question. When you hate every inch of your body, since from a young age, why would you want to spend your whole life in it? When you're stuck listening to the voices and ghosts tell you that you are this and that and every other bad thing ever, what else can you do to get rid of them? What are you supposed to do when the things that help you cope in this life end up stabbing you in the back, getting you into worse situations and making everyone annoyed by you? When you are trying to get through, no matter how much you dislike yourself, but everything just keeps messing up constantly, why wouldn't you do it?