Validation

I crave validation in every way. My sexuality, my gender, my time, what I eat and even my emotions.

I would like everyone to know my sexuality. Which most of the time doesn't happens even if I plaster myself in rainbows. I have a very feminine face and body which doesn't mash well with my masc style. 

Everyone hopefully finds me attractive or okay to look at. Even if I don't find them attractive. I can pick out everything I find wrong with myself. I hope no one can see them too. I feel like i can only accept feminine compliments even though i enjoy masculine ones more.

I want to be thanked and told I'm making someone proud. Even for simple things. When someone thanks me or acknowledges my work I act as if i didn't hear it the first time so they can repeat it and i can hear it again. I am a very big people pleaser.

At least one person has to know when or what I have eaten in a day. Even if it was only one thing. Me and food don't have a good relationship. Even though I never get what I want from telling people.

My emotions become war zones for me. I find sad things amusing and get sad over happy things. I shape myself for people's liking until I can't bend no more than I become a robot. People cant see my emotions but they have to know them. I will talk about my deepest emotions with a straight face and will laugh at my trauma. So it is easier for others to stomach it. 

I sound selfish and needy, I know. I don't even know why I do these things. Trauma? Insecure? Boredom? I know it may not seem that way but I'm not an emotional person in real life. It's rare for me to be truly emotional without some kind of preparation. I like to think out what I am to say and plan out my thoughts. My friends are really emotionally available people they can have these random emotional talks. But I go silent and my brain gets clouded.