Life is changing so fast..

I don't know how to keep up. It doesn't make sense anymore. None of this feels real. I close my eyes and still find myself as a little kid, but it wasn't peaceful..

There was always screaming in my "happy house". Drugs on the table, my Mom inviting people over that should have never been around children.

I never had a childhood. It was me trying to survive and I barely made it out alive.

The brief memories I have of that time are faded, and I can barely hold onto those that I cherish. My mind fails me, the trauma I endured then has messed me up inside.

Emotions are...difficult. I don't find it easy to open myself up and allow others to see me as I truly am. My Mother saw to that.

Constantly putting me down, belittling any interest I had and on good days she treated me like a doll. A play thing that she took out of the toy box and fawned over.

Brushing my hair. Putting me in clothes I could not stand and hugging me as we laid in bed.

It makes me want to wretch.

I close my eyes and those memories swim back to me.

There is a piece of me that wants to go back, to relive the happy memories of childhood, but they're fading and I know if we did go back no one would be there..