fighting the pain again

i knowwww my anxiety is coming back again and it is so bad this time it has returned with a vengeance 

at night i will go to sleep at 2 am and wake up at 5 and cannot go to bed again

but if i fall asleep in the day i will sleep straight through my alarms with no recollection of them ever going off; so I'm afraid to sleep

in the past two days i have only eaten thrice but i am still bloated

and I'm just so like melancholy and sad???? and stressed about everything???

it's just hard because everything I've set up for myself (classes, my job, volunteering opportunities) is all stuff i really want to do and really want to love

but there's this nagging voice in my head telling me to just sit in bed on my phone all day and that nothing is really worth my time

so I'm just fighting that right now

and i can't tell my mom even though i want her words to help me because i know it'll stress her out and she's already struggling so much herself

it's just really hard right now and i feel stuck because i don't even know what i would say to someone if they asked

nothing really makes me happy except distracting myself (like i joined a discord call with people i barely even know just so i can talk to someone and pretend everything is ok)

i don't want to eat, i literally CANNOT sleep, i don't want to shower, i don't want to brush my teeth

i did homework yesterday/this morning! so at least i did something

but i just feel so stuckkkkkkkk and i feel like it's all my fault 

it's not like i want to give up either too (even though i still have a voice in my head saying drop out and go home bc I'm not happy here)

i just don't like feeling like this at all.