01.30.24

Today i went to school. I wore a nice outfit, and some bootcut jeans that were a little too long. Ms. C said i look like I've lost weight. Its a new semester now, but i still dont really go to class, im scared to. So instead, i just stay in Ms. B's room and try to do missing work. Thats the problem with a new semester though, theres no missing work to do. So i just kinda sat there all day. Ms. B wasnt here today, mental health day; Ms. C said. My first period is american history, apparently the teacher is very cool, "doesnt give a fuck about anything" Ms. C said. Id like to meet him, i want him to like me. But id rather not meet a teacher whos class ill never show up for. 

I remember when i had biology for first period, Ms. V complained about me to the whole class one day. When i had English, and the off days that i did show up, Ms. L couldnt even be bothered to look up when D would smack me on the back of the head, or knock my stuff on the ground or take my book or close my laptop. He punched me in the back once- right in the spine. Two dudes who sat behind me reacted with a 'ooh-' at the action. Not a condescending one- but a noise of surprise. That was the first time anyone acknowledged it. Also the last.

It was nice sitting in Ms. B's room all day, Ms. C was there. She asked me why it was so hard for me to show up to school. I hesitated, i didnt really know what to say. I told her that i 'get ready for school, then i just start crying'. Which is true. I wish i wasnt so quick to tears, even when saying those few words, i was fighting to not choke on my words. Thats why i dont want to meet my teachers on a one-on-one setting like Ms. C suggested. I dont want to see a man whos class ill never show up for, start crying, then fail his class. Id rather not meet him at all. I cried in the shower tonight over that, i dont want to meet them tomorrow like Ms. C suggested. 

I spent lunch with A today. A's the best. She got her belly button pierced recently, i cant imagine doing that myself, itd snag on everything. We talked about a lot of things, she told me about her ex and her french teacher who tells the class about her bitchy ex husbands girlfriend- and how the school cant fire her because thered be no one to replace her.

We were walking down the hall to the cafeteria to drop off one of A's friends who was walking with us. There was a big crowd, and i assumed it was just people joking around and loitering in the halls during lunch. I turned to walk somewhere else, and A told me to wait- that something was happening. since kids had their phones out. I said that theyre probably just messing around; but the second we turned around to look back, two boys were going AT it! Not joke fighting like kids like to do behind the grocery store, but full body swings. A automatically GRABBED me and we ran up to the crowd to look over peoples shoulders. (since were both so short..)

A immediately bumped us into this one boy with frosted tips who was weirdly into me last semester. Yikes. Anyways, Ms. D came, and people started running away. I assume if she recognized me, shed tell Ms. B i was doing something wrong, so this time, i grabbed A and ran off. Theres a girl with dwarfism at our school, and i thought she was standing in the doorway of one the classrooms we were passing by. I tripped, hard, but didnt fall, and looked back-- scared i tripped OVER her. I didnt though, my foot just caught the edge of one of the lockers. 

When lunch ended, we said our goodbyes. We planned to hang out after school, since she didnt have work today. 4th period is CA class. Aka the class i had already spent my entire day in. Its okay though, i know everyone in that class anyways. I walked in, and sat down. The way the desks were rearranged was that there were four desks all in one big square on one side of the room, then the same thing on the right side by the windows. In-between that, and facing more towards the front, were two desks who also faced eachother. I saw down in my assigned seat, on the right side of the rooms desk island. Right next to me though, sat P. 

P is cool, and for a autistic dude, hes pretty well-liked at the school. That doesnt mean he doesnt get talked behind his back though, thats always going to happen. My friend, R who likes him, has him 2nd period. He thinks its super funny that P will just blurt out in class, and the teacher is so done with him. P is pretty cool all over round, hes known as The Minion Kid, since his hyperfixation is minions. Hes dressed head to toe in minion stuff everyday, and would bring an inflatible minion suit to school during lunch last year. Thats why kids like him so much. The downside to him though, is he has a crush on practically every girl at our school-- me included. I know im pretty, ive had plenty guys have crushes on me, i also have spent probably the most time around P than most other girls, since weve been in CA class together all highschool. Its admittedly though, the most annoying crush ive had on me. 

Sitting across from me was L. L is the only other girl in the class and shes a year younger than me. Shes okay, for someone in M's friend group. Anyone in M's friend group is weird. Theres a specific type of person who shops mainly at Spencers, and thats M's friend group. L is very open, to say the least. She also thinks shes a total hardass. Arguing with kids in class and using the name 'sweetheart' or 'honey' but the effect never lands. Shes also the type of girl to bring crutches to school and never use them. But ive learned to like her somewhat since shes the only other girl. She likes me too, which is nice. 

How the desk island is formed, is I sit to the southeast, P sits next to me on the southwest, and L infront of P to the northwest, and the desk next to her is empty. Once she sat down, i grabbed my bag and hopped over to the free desk next to her instead. I think its the best seat in the class. Im at the back, and sunlight form the windows lights my area. Theres no desks around me other than L whos to the right of me-- so im not feeling stressed. The teachers desk is pretty far away, and even the assistant teacher, Ms. C's desk cant see if im on my phone under the desk since L is blocking her line of sight. L like to bring up her notes app and type something in, then face her phone towards me so i can see. Modern way of passing notes i guess. 

Since today was the second day of the new semester, Ms. C had us do something on 'class norms'. Aka, things we should keep in mind, or rules, then we write them down on a big piece of paper and decorate it then hang it on the walls. They planned out all the things that should be written down yesterday, so today was the actual writing. Ms. C originally said wed be having partners for this, and P automatically said "u304, will be my partner." or something like that. I opened my mouth to say some polite decline, but L beat me to it, and told him that "shes going to work with me, since were the only girls in the class". P doubled down, though i forgot exactly what he said. Hes a bit much at times, but im glad he just isnt handsy. Ms. C then changed her mind, and said wed be working in two groups. My group was P, L, and H. I didnt know H, but he was pretty chill. He likes to be sarcastic and make weird drawings. On the other side of the room, there was two guys i didnt know, and I, who is pretty cool too. C was working with them aswell. Hes pretty cute, funny too-- but as funny as someone who makes month old tiktok references can be. C is chaotic, and a bit of an instagator. Once he starts talking, I starts talking. L used to like C, but i only know that because she said it outloud to the class before. 

I wrote out all the things on the sheet, and P was supposed to draw stuff about the topics. Instead, he spent the entire time drawing minions. Which can be expected. L instead, took the time to draw little doodles around the paper to decorate it. Once i finished writing, i started drawing too, H aswell. Eventually the doodles evolved into crudely drawn tv show characters and those korean artist wojacks. We finished, while C's group had barely gotten the titles down-- since they wanted to do a magazine cut out letters style for the titles, but had no magazines to cut out from. So they just drew them. I eventually got bored and walked over to their table and sat down, bantering with C and I. In the end, i helped write some stuff down for them too, in exchange to sign my name at the bottom with everyone elses. Now my name was on both sheets. 

After class, i walked outside and met up with A. While out there, we stumbled upon R and J. I had been texting R all day, hes pretty funny. J was absolutely faded, and i told them about being in class with P. I said bye to them, and me and A walked to the bus stop for the city bus. We took it downtown and walked to the german bakery where my other friend, L works at. He wasnt working there right now obviously though. I got one too many macaroons and A got an apple turnover. She needed to take the bus home after that, so we parted ways and i walked home.

While walking home, i hesitated at the entrance of one of the neighborhoods. I could just barely see S's old house from the road. I hadnt been there in a long time. I hadnt thought about him in a long time since he moved. We were friends in middle school, played in his backyard, on his xbox. His dog was always a timid thing. She had a tumor once that got removed. After two more popped up, they put her down. S has cancer now, my mom told me. Brain cancer, an aggressive kind, she said. I dont think its curable, i dont think he has more than a year. Thats why i wanted to see his house, i thought i might feel something. I did, a little bit, when i saw a glimpse of the backyard. I think its very hard to comprehend the news of someones soon to be death, when you haven't seen them in over four years. I dont really know what to think. When he does.. when it occurs, what am i supposed to think? Ive never mourned death before, how do i mourn the death of someone i haven't thought about since middle school? I want to see him again. My parents were going to have his family over to the house once, but he felt too bad to go, so they didnt visit. Would he feel dread if someone like me wanted to see him? Its not like its a one last time thing, maybe it is? I dont even know for sure how long he has? Or if its curable? Am i bad for thinking like this? Trying to create a memory or trying to comprehend whats happening to someone who i honestly; dont know anymore. I do i have a right to mourn his death? Will i have to go to his funeral? Would i want to go to his funeral? How am i supposed to show up to his funeral, all grown up, when the only image i have of him in my mind is a 13 year old boy? What am i supposed to do??