is anyone here happy?

Tomorrow i celebrate 1 month with my boyfriend, or to be more specific, in 3 hours. i feel a lot of things at the same time, things i don't fucking know how to handle. My heart, so fkng cols and rotten, is happy. Happy because i got him in my life, because he love me, because he decide be with me. At the same time, i feel so fucking scared, because it feels like a timer, like a countdown. 

Why would he want to be with me, after all this time? I'm not preatty, i'm not smart, i'm not clean, i'm not even virgin for him. Why would he want to use something that has already been used? 

I'm a little piece of shit, i don't fucking know why i'm so scared, the best thing for him would be leave me...

i wish i could be happy instead of so fucking worried

i hate my stupid gay heart.