Damn it all

TW: Self Harm

I know no one reads these but whatever.

I'm pissed off about, well, everything right now. I'm over a year clean now, but considering the rampant mental instability that I've had it isn't really fitting. I think everyone is surprised I haven't relapsed by now, including me. Well, I probably will tonight. Everything feels like it's gone sucky, and I don't care enough anymore to stop myself. I bought some cheap razors the other day to take apart and use the blades from, and I feel like this all could have been prevented if everyone just left me the hell alone. 

I feel pathetic about all the people who have have just stopped talking to me out of nowhere, rather than just telling me why. I have so many people who seem to find me irresistible, then there's some I actually do like talking to and they end up just disappearing at some point. The person who saved my life by getting me not to take those pills, who was my close friend, who said that out of all their friends I was the only one who actually understood them, she just stopped talking to me one day. Why?

I feel disgusting for making out with my friend who had a crush on me, after a bit I just shut down mentally and decided to go home, I can't stand the thought of them anymore. I feel disgusting about it all, I wish I had just refused. 

My best friend, who got me through middle school and whose words helped me get through residential treatment, who I loved and was the first person to tell me they loved me that I actually believe meant it, she is the reason I made it this long staying clean. Guess what? She has been dead for months now, I was at her grave just hours ago. I was planning to be by her side for the rest of my life. Now the only way I can do that is from six feet above her. 

My mom is a pathetic, manipulative thing that I truly believe is only ever nice to me to feel better about herself. I get in trouble anytime I speak up, but she keeps constantly talking to me, and whenever I actually think we can have a decent conversation and get closer emotionally she starts talking shit about my dad. 

My dad is delusional and can't respect me when we talk, he refuses to acknowledge that he lost custody, that's why I haven't visited him in years. 

My step-dad and mom just like to punish me willy nilly, and they have no respect for me. When I told me mom I didn't want to deal with her constantly bringing up when something or someone has the same name as my dead best friend, she said, and I repeat word for damn word, "If you don't like it then you can wait until you can move out." 

I'm 17 and in Junior year. I just don't want to always remember that my best friend is dead. 

So yeah, the fact that I'm over a year clean of self harm is surprising. Guess we can finally end the suspense.