Journey of Realization [Part 1]

This will be part one of my coming out story.  I've been asked a few times, and its not right to reduce it to a single moment ; the whole process of self-acceptance and growth is equally if not more important.  Names will be replaced while this remains public.

I knew something was different after watching Jeremy Sumpter in the 2003 Peter Pan movie in theaters. I'm around his age. I had never felt that strong of an infatuation before.  ( Side note, he's aged like fine wine in his later movies ).  I felt I had no one I trusted enough to open up to about it for some time.

During high school, I knew of two openly gay students: Zac in the class above me, and Ev in the class below.  Behind their backs, they were mocked cruelly ; I was so sensitive to the words and opinions of the other kids, I have no idea why.  Adults will say to teens to not let what other people say bother them, but I think they often underestimate how fiercely important the need is to feel accepted by peers as a teenager ; social connections are about the only thing we have of real value at that age. So I stayed firmly shut in my closet for some years while I witnessed what was said about those two.

In hindsight, I really admire their courage.  They were so naturally effeminate though, I can't imagine they could hide it if they tried.  But with that effeminacy came a natural social charm that made girls comfortable around them, so they made many friends despite their bullies.  

After having some rising feelings for someone else, and the vain aspiration to take a chance, I decided to confide in my closest friend at the time, who I'll call Cow.  It made sense at the time - not only was he a friend, but he was on the same sports team as the guy.  Cow did not take my confession seriously ; his immediate response was asking if I enjoyed riding a broomstick and my hesitation to answering that question gave him all the proof he needed to tell I was only confused.  His mother was much nicer and talked with me with validation and sincerity about it. Still, the guy in question was straight as an arrow according to multiple sources, so I let it be.

During this time, I was also in the Boy Scouts and was afraid of risking expulsion if word got out about my self-discovery.  Honestly, the adults were way more chill than some of the older kids, so it may not have dramatically ended me as I had feared.  Still, by the time I was making this realization, I had put so much effort into my badges and rank, I didn't want to take any chances.  I was fairly high in the rank, maybe First Class or Life when one of the new kids was another of those unmistakably effiminate types.  And as if it were a divine message of warning, I witnessed how he was talked about.  No one wanted to room up with the "gay kid" even as he firmly denied the insinuation. I actually tried to talk with the kid just as a friend, but he showed no interest in conversation.

This part of my life remained in a restless stasis until I came out to an older friend I'll call Cat.  He would eventually become one of my most influential life mentors.  I'll continue with more details of how I met him and how he helped me in a later entry.