she's watching me

November

Cassie appeared in my room last night. There were spiderwebs and vines and roses all around the room, and she came up to me and had asked me to join her. Then my stepsister woke me up, but I could swear it wasn't a dream. Even worse, today was Tuesday. Every Tuesday I have to be weighed by Jennifer to make sure I am fat enough for everyone so I won't have to go back to the hospital. I'm surprised that I was actually able to play it off this time, since I woke so late. But then again, I've been doing this for years now, but it was also a close call, because she noticed my weight went down a bit. 

December 

She's back again. As I write this, she's here, probably watching me blog about all the times I see her appear. I remember how I tried to help her recover from her bulimia 2 years ago. It wasn't helping her be skinny, and her coaches and teachers were putting her down for it. I wasn't recovering however, and I didn't want to lose her to recovery, so I had to have her stay. Anyway, my dad's trying to talk to me, and he'll think I'm nuts if he sees this.

December

Emma broke her arm today, and Jennifer sent me out to buy her some things. I went to the drugstore, and Cassie-ghost appeared when I was looking for laxatives. I tried to convince her-myself-that she wasn't actually there, but she also wasn't going away. I let her know that she should have gotten some help before blowing up in the motel bathroom. She turned it around to me, saying I should have answered her cries of help. But it's okay. She wasn't there. She's not real. She's not real she's not real she's not real she's not real she's not real she's not real she's not

Dec/Winter break

I really messed up this time. I'm currently at Mom's house right now, and may be for who knows how long. I won't be able to bake cookies or wrap presents with Emma. She caught me cutting open my skin a few days ago. Cassie followed me into the ambulance and the hospital and read me the results they got from the lab. She really wants me on the other side; to be winter-ghosts together. 

Dec

Started therapy today. Of course Cassie showed up again to haunt me. She was rude, kind of like the voices in my head. How they say I'm fat and not worth it. She misses me, but not enough to actually make it seem she cares. It makes me start to think, that maybe in general, I don't really want to die after all...