vent-ish

i dont know how i feel anymore.. i feel so empty and tired, i wish i knew what was REALLY wrong. 

I think im jealous of them. 

of the love they get, of the people that support them, of their friends and family, but at the same time i love them so much i cant possibly hate them. 

It sucks. 

I also wish i could keep them to myself, that they could show all their love and appreciation only to me, not to anyone else. But thats just wrong, so so so wrong. Its... sickening. My thoughts. I wish i could get rid of them so badly.

this is killing me. Its killing my appetite. My will. My motivation. But i also dont want what i want. Every fucking path leaves to hurt and it kills me. I wish i was him.

I love him, with everything in me, but i wish i didnt. Because then i wouldnt get mad or anxious when hed show love to someone else, then i wouldnt be crying about losing him when i should care less if i ever do.

I hate this. and i feel like the more time i spend with them, the more i remember that im just another person in his life. That he could replace me so easily and he probably wouldnt think twice about it. IM the one thats obsessed, possessive, jealous. He isnt. he doesnt care. 

The more i talk to him, the more obsessed i get. I dont want him with anyone else, but thats just disgusting of me. 

I need to meet new people. i need to forget about him. before its too late and i cant go back and i ruin our entire friendship.