To put my perspective, thoughts, and contemplations on this letter is what  I want.

For you to understand how I felt/ feel is what I need.




  To my Mr.coco,
I’m 19 now. my mental, priorities and needs are different. I cannot carry the expectation  of what was. I can only look to what’s happening now and actively in my life.

That being said though, I didn’t even have the intention of leaving us in the first place.
But after our first separation, it’s started to hit me a little…
It’s just too unrealistic…
You stay 655 miles away from me,
the only time we could converse was through a website,  And even then they weren’t conversations.. they were concealed messages.

Not the mention the fact that your family hated me, I smoke, I wanted tattoos, and I’m not/ wasn’t very religious. & Those were just small factors to the bigger picture. That My lifestyle and habits were different from yours.

But that didn’t matter to me in the slightest…
I just wanted You.
I felt like I could tweak or change what I wanted for myself, so I can fit into what we wanted for us.

And in a way, it made me a better person… or rather YOU made me a better person. All your ambition, hope, creativity and love beamed on me. And it made me find that in myself. And reflect it back onto you. 

I still felt selfish for continuing to talk to you knowing that I have habits and goals that don’t really align with your ideals and lifestyle. They really only grew and expanded to things I assumed you’d resonate less with.

But then again.. 
We never fully addressed it so I don’t know how much you disliked it or how it really makes you feel… 
I just know that it’s something that stayed in my mind.
 
I don’t like to make assumptions,
So I don’t want to to assume your situation for then or now. But I take into consideration what you must’ve went through and I sometimes wonder how it must’ve effected you.. And how I could’ve been there for you in the way that you needed me to. 

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be.

But ever since that point, it became clear to me that I cannot pass the boundaries that your life has you in. 
Not at this age,
Or at this time.

So I never felt like it was doomed for us.
I never even stopped loving you,
How could I even??
You’re my first love.
there isn’t anyone else above you. 
You’re someone so extremely important to me, 
And I can not let you go.

That being said.
I didn’t want us to pursue  an end game 
I just wanted us to hang to hope.

To hope that we will meet when we’re supposed to. 

To hope that our paths would align. 

To hope that we will once be connected in the way we once were.. but more.

I trust life and it’s process.
I trust time and it’s movements

But  it felt like you didn’t..
I felt like you gave up, or rather lost your hope.
And as a result I was letting go of mine.

Living with you in the rearview, not in the car.

And unfortunately, it seems like we can’t ride together until we reach the same destination.

Life isn’t definite, anything can happen. 

So I’m going to hold onto that hope
Because if it isn’t next week, if it isn’t next month, if it isn’t next year…

 It will someday be 
As long as I’m holding onto that hope.

. 

Always wishing you the best,

Love, Glow