titled smakd 1/21/2024

location: desk at ej

ok. trippy smakd taken last night. i still feel weird and need this to pass cuz omfg. sitting here rn, definitely not waiting for him to text me back. i dont know why i want him to really. i dont know whats happened this weekend. friday was a good day i think. i dont know what i want anymore. it feels better than regret and sorrow though. ill take unease rather than hopelessness. friday, i skipped work and class. usually i feel bad about doing that but it wasnt a bad day. started off with my things being stolen but ch helped me get it back. and then we went to mcdonalds and it was nice. came back and took an adderall and that made my stomach hurt. i dont know why he matters so much. seeing him on the ring when we first came back this semester hurt and i dont know why. i needed his attention on me for some reason. the fact that i used to have it and lost it was suffocating. he used to look at me. why doesnt he look at me anymore. please look at me. please. sitting here still waiting for him to text me back like his response will do something for me. i wonder how i feel about e. we could actually . i dont know if i want to get into that. my head still feels weird and he still hasnt texted back and i still have homework to do. but ill get thru this. i hope.