once again do the winds of change call to me in whispers... just barely started to speak. Lovely! that's good.

i've been really struggling with weed. i've felt really empty and aimless and it's been the only thing to make me see the world in depth and color. which is bad! but i've finally reached a breaking point where my  mind and body both agree that it's time for a break. my body isn't a temple but an animal that i must take care of. i've been kind of treating it like a dancing monkey with a calliope. No more shall i abuse this animal i inhabit. Also especially because my tolerance has gotten so high that i'm kind of burning through my stash... a selfish reason to stop, but any reason is a good reason. If i don't have any in the summer i'll be pissed.

with the pain and strife in the world, i see everyone languishing and it hurts. its unavoidable. so i haven't felt much desire to grow myself. even with my lofty desires for the new year. but it's time to stop moping around because nothing will change if i don't do anything. sucks, because its so alluring to just lay and do nothing. i've got dreams now, damn it! i can't let them just stay at that.

it's time to wake up and be human. i can lose myself in my mind and remain stuck in my tower but i know life out there regardless. i won't concern myself with fear of uncertainty. i'm scared to change but change is the only way.

i've been doing lots of self reflection and it's time to look outwards. no more will self reflection result in any growth. i know i'm a mentally ill therian maybe-system. big maybe. but what do i get out of knowing that? more reason to mope? if anything it's told me that i have a pack of circus animals caged in me and all i am doing is letting them decay... no more! out into the wild!

i had this feeling when i was in the icy snow with my brother, both of us grown ass adults but i convinced him to sled with me, and it was the most fun i've had since my partner last visited. i was carefree and laughing like a child... and those sort of delights are all around if i seek them out. it's time to grow up by being free. 

the sun sets later and later every day. the ice sheets melt off the sidewalk. opportunities to grow present themselves to me and i would be a fool to not take them. i no longer want to languish. my situation is coming to a head...

not related but i need to get into digimon because renamon is dope i dont even give a fuck

baddass