01.20.24

i get depressed at night, i don’t know why. there’s a permanent weight laying dormant in my tear ducts, and they refuse to let go of me. i can’t cry. i hate when i lay in bed at night, feeling as if all i’ve ever done is wrong and i’m the worst person on the planet; and that i just cant cry. i can’t wash these feelings out of me and i can’t rest easy knowing that once it’s all over— the feeling of emotional exhaust will lull me to sleep. 

i have school tomorrow. i went once, after a month straight of absences. new term starts next thursday, so mrs. B will probably mouthfeed me work to do. i think i’m okay with that though, rotting in her classroom all day is much better than showing up to lessons. she kinda cheats the system for me. i hope she doesn’t stress too much over it. i hope i don’t cause her more trouble than it’s worth. she likes that when i do show up— i sit and do it. other kids have trouble with that sometimes. Maybe i’ll have lunch with A tomorrow, i’ll ask her. she’s good, i can depend on her. (when she’s free.)

wearing makeup is more trouble than it’s worth nowadays. i do have waterproof mascara though, i’ll wear that. don’t think i can cry through that. 

i watched Speak the other day. i liked it a lot. I wish wish wish i had a secret room at school like her boiler room. I wish i had a male teacher i could depend on like her. i hope i remember to cut my nails in the morning. maybe i’ll pack a nail clipper in my bag incase i forget. right next to my trusty lighter.